he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
this beer tastes like vomit already
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
