The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Come share oat with me in your robe
Randomize
