i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Pants are for mortals
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Randomize
