it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
