so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
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