Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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