Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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