I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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