i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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