I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
