my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
