I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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