Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
