I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
