You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
