My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
