and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
