I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
