When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
