I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Randomize
