Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
