i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I'm at about main and main street
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
