I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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