I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize