Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
