i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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