Only a mothe r could love this liver
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
