I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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