new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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