my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Did I show you my penis last night?
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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