hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
