my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
