Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
God, you're like boner-b-gone
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
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