If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize