You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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