apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
