bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Randomize