dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
