once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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