Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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