I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
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