So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Randomize
