No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
