Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
