There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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