I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
my shit smells like andre
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Randomize