what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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