He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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