The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
never play flip cup with pint glasses
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
