Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
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