Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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