What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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