Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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