Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
