Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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