also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
