those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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