Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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